I love you. And I do not say that lightly. I love you no matter how broken you are. No matter how bad you can be. No matter how long it took for you to love me. I love you in spite of those things. I love you enough to recognize that your mistakes do not make you. I love you enough to see through the clouds of your imperfections. I love you enough to trust you. Loving you was not a choice for me. It hit me unexpectedly but when it did, I did not reject it…even if you did. I love you in spite of yourself. You did not do anything to have to earn my love and you do not have to do anything to continue to keep it. In fact, there is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you. If you have ever tried to earn someones love or keep it, it is not worth having. That type of love will continue to have conditions. No person, no matter what mistakes they’ve made, deserves to be loved only because of contingencies. A love that says “I will love you if..” or “I can’t love you because…” is NOT love. Instead, the love you deserve is “I love you no matter what.”
Love is a force of nature. You can not command it, wish it…or make it go away. You can’t make someone love you and you can not make them stop. Love can not be imprisoned…it can not be legislated. It does not come with conditions, expectations, stipulations, or secret codes. Love, like the sun, radiates independently of our fears and desires. Moreover, love can not be turned on as some sort of reward and can not be turned off as a punishment.
Love does not allow destructive and abusive behaviors to go unchecked. Love will speak out for justice and will protest when harm is being done. Love points out the consequences of hurting oneself or others. Love will not let you be a coward. Love does allow room for pain, anger, and grief to be expressed and released. But love does not threaten to withold itself in order to get what it wants. Love cares what becomes of you. Love cares enough to help you be your best. Love will not accept you bowing out because of fear. Love will help you face your fears. Love will give you the tools you need to be who you want to be. Love will teach you how to love and accept love. Love is patient. Love is NOT manipulation. Infatuation manipulates but real love does not. Love is NOT having to compromise who you are. Someone who loves you will never ask you to change who you are in order to be loved. Love is NOT abusive/violent. Passions will become inflamed but love NEVER results in physical or emotional abuse. Love is NOT lust. Love is NOT controlling. Love does NOT hurt…ever. Love will love you whether or not you are able to give that love back. Love doesn’t expect a certain type of love in return…because love has already LOVED YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. Love does not say “if you want to be loved by me, you must do what I want, or never love anyone else, or promise you will never leave me.” Love is commitment and loyalty. If someone loves you, you know that NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR SAY, that person will not walk away from you. Even when faced with seemingly bad information about the other person, love will see see only the positive.
Love wipes your tears while you cry for another person. Love holds your hand while you face difficult situations. Love delays its own healing to facilitate yours. Love realizes that its own happiness depends on yours. Love makes you feel good about yourself. Love challenges you. Love is natural. Love does’t make you anxious. Love does not make you feel crazy. Love does not withhold parts of itself from you. Love is open and caring. Love trusts you…all the time. Love is everything you deserve. And when you forget what you deserve, I will remind you.
I am not the master of my emotions. In fact, up til now I have been a slave to them. Everything I do is led by some feeling. Most think with their heads, while I…my poor poor soul…I think with my heart.
I used to justify my emotions by stating “If more people cared a little more, the world would be a better place.” I definitely think that is true. But caring a little more is different from caring way too much about absolutely everything.
Reflecting on current and past situations I have been faced with, I always thought I ended up hurt or too involved because I was thinking too hard. But now, I realize its because I feel too hard. I feel TOO hard. My happiness is amplified. My sadness is amplified. My anxiety, my love, my fear, my anger (which I rarely experience), my excitedness, even my ambivalence are all too amplified. I FEEL TOO HARD.
But you know what…fuck that. Starting today, my emotions are now my bitch. I will own them and master them if its the last thing I do…(was that too strong? Forgive me, my desire may have been a little too amplified).